Lorenzo from AZ

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW THIS STUFF ABOUT ME?

There is a street preacher who insists that he must witness daily in whatever God given temperature and at a decibel level that competes with road construction. But without fail, as I approach him, all I hear from him is “SINNER! You have to change your life or face the consequences.” And then he starts his litany of consequences. My question is, who told him I was sinner? Not that I’m not necessarily denying it, depending on the definition of sin, and situational sinning vs sins of omissions vs. white lie type sinning vs OMG sin. Sin is a richly nuanced concept. But how did this stranger happen to know about me? Huh? Huh?

And note to self: the street preacher didn’t seem to want to embrace my “richly nuanced concept” statement.

My spam. I know about spam. I think I have been blocked from several email sites for inappropriate comments. But I keep getting a recurring spam theme (or meme), and it’s not all from the same person, so I’m sure the word is out there on the internets. But how would all these different people who send me these emails know that I wanted a bigger penis. Someone has GOT to have tipped them off. I don’t just go around telling anybody and everybody that I wanted a bigger penis. I mean, be real. So how did all these people find out AND get my email address?

I’m going to be on the lookout next time I’m standing at urinal and the guy next to me says “hey, could I get your email address? We have a service that has too much stuff and wants to give it away to just anyone. You look like you’d like free stuff.” Well, I give him my email address (after washing my hands of course.) but I never get any free stuff. What’s up with that?

BUSH is absolutely right. Snowflake babies are JUST adorable!

But more importantly, the President tells us they mean that God’s will has been fulfilled. I usually don’t consider myself being so darn certain about God’s will anymore, unlike the President, but then again he’s a born leaderer.

Bush vetoed the stem cell research bill last week, surrounded by a sea of snowflakes. (That metaphor doesn’t seem quite right, but seems to fit the occasion.)

Listening to our President speak about God’s will and the importance of proto-conservatives, I had an epiphany. (Note to NSA: just translate “epiphany” for George as a big idea)

Bush is right. We’re playing God when, hell, we can’t do that shit. So epiphanized as I was, I came up with our logical next steps which I have forwarded to the Snowflake White House.

1. Find wombs for all the remaining supply of early citizens just currently chillin’ in fertility clinics (over 400,000 I think I heard).

2. Encourage adoption with some tax incentive programs OR put them up on eBay.

3. If we cannot get enough open wombs here in America (and, please, please, please, no lesbians, if you get my drift), I would expect private enterprise to step in and help with contracting this out, including the identification, dissemination, billing, tracking, lessons learned, etc. Can we Americans trust any company other than Halliburton to insert itself in this godly endeavor?

4. Next, shut down fertility clinics. Going forward they will not be needed. Fertility clinics go against God’s will. If a woman is barren, I think the Bible gives us ample guidance (check out Elizabeth, John the Baptist’s mom). Let the Lord fertilize per his Will to the faithful who pray incessantly, not some test tube or petri dish.

5. Furthermore, outlaw all contraception. That works against the Master Plan. Man and Woman must become one hot-to-trot, heavy breathing, “YES” screaming, monkey crazy, flesh. Oh yeah. Hey, it’s in the Bible.

6. However, there is a little bit of down side, and maybe it’s just me and the few other guys who engage in self-abuse (you know, a date with Rosy Palm, spanking your monkey). Stop. Stop it right now. I’ve come to realize that the product of this activity is a snowflake precursor cream if you will, and has the potential to be a baby—just a matter of hooking up with some egg. Wait, I’m screwed. I forgot. I had my tubes tied a long time ago during my pre-epiphany life. But for the rest of you guys, and you know who you are, stop spilling seed lest you be smited (Genesis 38:8-10). Sorry.

I hope you too can epiphanize with me and reach the same climax of understanding that I did, and the same one that George must be putting together with the help of his friends.

Remember, it’s all God’s Will and Grace.

SO, LIKE, WHY DON’T I FEEL SAFER NOW?

Well, first, on balance, let me tell you what I DO feel safer about.

I feel safer that no blastocyst citizens will be destroyed in the stem cell pursuit of cures for those icky diseases and conditions that I’m sure only happen to non-God fearing people of little faith.

I feel equally safe that once we get the flag amendment enshrined in the Constitution, there will be no flag burning (well except for the Boy Scots and VFW who have to burn old flags). There will be no NEW flag burning. Quite frankly, I think the pollution in the Phoenix air is directly attributable to the clandestine flag burning that MUST be going on. That’s why people don’t realize this is such a problem; they are burning them out of sight. Thank goodness we have the War on Terror phone monitoring, so when the amendment is passed, we can have the Feds roll on planned flag burnings. Imagine those Boy Scouts surprise. No, I mean everyone that is not a Boy Scout.

I feel that the institution of marriage will be safe from the invasive, pervasive, insidious, homoerotically steamy threat of gay marriage or civil unions. I think that the looming threat of this gay agenda is exactly what is damaging families, stimulating the high divorce rate, and encouraging heterosexual adultery because some people believe this gay marriage will get approved and are taking advantage of this last hurrah. I feel safe the President, Congress, and even the Constitution will keep it from happening. Once that closet door is nailed shut, divorce rates will drop dramatically. It only makes sense.

I feel safer that we’ll soon be able to wall off the borders (at least for the brown skin border, if not those leftist liberals from the North, eh?) and that Haliburton will be awarded a no-bid contract to bus the 11.5 million Mexicans and people who look like Mexicans across the border. I wouldn’t trust any other company to do this with the same efficiency and effectiveness that has been demonstrated in Iraq.

Nothing has been mentioned yet, but as our titular stern yet loving Dad, Vice President Cheney, has probably figured out that the exodus of so many proto-Americans will result in a labor supply vacuum. Cheney has no doubt worked out a plan with Halliburton or one of its subsidiaries, to provide for transitional contract labor until such time in the future that real Americans can be trained to take over from the contractors. I wouldn’t expect it to be a quick transition. We’ve got lessons learned from Iraq you know. And while service and product costs may rise to offset contractor cost components, I’m sure we will no longer feel obligated to tip the carwash or bus boy. I count that as a win/win if you know what I mean.

I also feel safe that I can rely on the same source of energy for my car. Oil is going to last forever, and I don’t like the uncertainty of alternative energy sources. Really, can you see me buying a car that runs on wind? What are they thinking? I’m sure that President Cheney, oops, I mean the Vice President, has figured out some way to evict the evildoers off of our oil in the Persian Gulf.

That all being said, I ‘m more than a little upset that the Republicans who control all branches of government and the national media haven’t done much to address National Security (Well, outside of all the time they have spent on the National Security threats enumerated above). And I thought they were good at National Security (well except for acts of God for Christ’s sake, what do you expect?). Our President’s amazing ability to look into a world leader’s eyes and read his soul and his faith based foreign policy crusades should be yielding better results. I just don’t feel safe about what is happening in North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Israel, Lebanon, Syria. I’m patient, but for much as I have tried to noodle through these problems, I just don’t see how contracting with Halliburton could be the answer this time, and I don’t know what you do if you don’t let private enterprise do what it does best.

I’ll wait though, because I know our leaders are smarter than I am. I just hope that one morning I don’t read about our future on the front page of New York End Times.

VALLEY PSYCHIATRIST DIES - Dr. David Burgoyne
I saw the nice obituary of a Valley psychiatrist that I went to for about a year when I came back from Argentina. Dr. Burgoyne passed away at age 83. When I came back from my Mormon mission I wanted to see a Mormon psychiatrist, lest a more secular person tempt me away from the only true Church and Gospel. Did not want to see any gentile (as any non-Mormon is considered) shrink.

Dr. Burgoyne was able to convince me my sexual orientation issues were merely a delayed sexual development phase that I was going through. I'm sure that after a year of therapy he was equally convinced that was I solidly hetero. I chose him because he was one of the few Mormon psychiatrists, but also because I socialized with his son in the LDS fratenity at ASU before I went on my mission. And, as luck would have it some time after I was in the country, I had to greet his son at an airport in Mendoza, Argentina, on his way to his mission home in Buenos Aires. Small world.

In the 80's I used to think I should write him a letter to let him change that orientation checkmark to another column, but never did. And to his professional defense, I'm sure his diagnosis would have been decidedly different had I been more truthful with him. He probably would have been singing another pyschotherapy tune if I had leveled with him what a hottie his son was and wondered if his son liked to wrestle.

RIP, Dr. Burgoyne

HOW MANY AMERICAN FLAGS WERE BURNED IN THE NORTH KOREAN MISSILE LAUNCH?

I'm thinking with all the critical thinking about amending the Constitution to address the rampant flag burning going on, Congress and the Administration has been a bit preoccupied to spend much time worrying about our national security. If Bush could somehow link the missile launch today with the flag desecration, Korea wouldn't be so neglected.

My next thought. If Osama bin Laden would do an abutt face and declare his support for committed gay couples to marry (well, committed to the destruction of America at least), then Bush would re-establish the CIA task force to track bin Laden down. Defense of Marriage and Weapons of Ass Destruction. Now THAT would get their attention again. And talk about political posturing at its finest. Sweet!