Sunday, July 23, 2006
BUSH is absolutely right. Snowflake babies are JUST adorable!
But more importantly, the President tells us they mean that God’s will has been fulfilled. I usually don’t consider myself being so darn certain about God’s will anymore, unlike the President, but then again he’s a born leaderer.
Bush vetoed the stem cell research bill last week, surrounded by a sea of snowflakes. (That metaphor doesn’t seem quite right, but seems to fit the occasion.)
Listening to our President speak about God’s will and the importance of proto-conservatives, I had an epiphany. (Note to NSA: just translate “epiphany” for George as a big idea)
Bush is right. We’re playing God when, hell, we can’t do that shit. So epiphanized as I was, I came up with our logical next steps which I have forwarded to the Snowflake White House.
1. Find wombs for all the remaining supply of early citizens just currently chillin’ in fertility clinics (over 400,000 I think I heard).
2. Encourage adoption with some tax incentive programs OR put them up on eBay.
3. If we cannot get enough open wombs here in America (and, please, please, please, no lesbians, if you get my drift), I would expect private enterprise to step in and help with contracting this out, including the identification, dissemination, billing, tracking, lessons learned, etc. Can we Americans trust any company other than Halliburton to insert itself in this godly endeavor?
4. Next, shut down fertility clinics. Going forward they will not be needed. Fertility clinics go against God’s will. If a woman is barren, I think the Bible gives us ample guidance (check out Elizabeth, John the Baptist’s mom). Let the Lord fertilize per his Will to the faithful who pray incessantly, not some test tube or petri dish.
5. Furthermore, outlaw all contraception. That works against the Master Plan. Man and Woman must become one hot-to-trot, heavy breathing, “YES” screaming, monkey crazy, flesh. Oh yeah. Hey, it’s in the Bible.
6. However, there is a little bit of down side, and maybe it’s just me and the few other guys who engage in self-abuse (you know, a date with Rosy Palm, spanking your monkey). Stop. Stop it right now. I’ve come to realize that the product of this activity is a snowflake precursor cream if you will, and has the potential to be a baby—just a matter of hooking up with some egg. Wait, I’m screwed. I forgot. I had my tubes tied a long time ago during my pre-epiphany life. But for the rest of you guys, and you know who you are, stop spilling seed lest you be smited (Genesis 38:8-10). Sorry.
I hope you too can epiphanize with me and reach the same climax of understanding that I did, and the same one that George must be putting together with the help of his friends.
Remember, it’s all God’s Will and Grace.
