Lorenzo from AZ

SO, LIKE, WHY DON’T I FEEL SAFER NOW?

Well, first, on balance, let me tell you what I DO feel safer about.

I feel safer that no blastocyst citizens will be destroyed in the stem cell pursuit of cures for those icky diseases and conditions that I’m sure only happen to non-God fearing people of little faith.

I feel equally safe that once we get the flag amendment enshrined in the Constitution, there will be no flag burning (well except for the Boy Scots and VFW who have to burn old flags). There will be no NEW flag burning. Quite frankly, I think the pollution in the Phoenix air is directly attributable to the clandestine flag burning that MUST be going on. That’s why people don’t realize this is such a problem; they are burning them out of sight. Thank goodness we have the War on Terror phone monitoring, so when the amendment is passed, we can have the Feds roll on planned flag burnings. Imagine those Boy Scouts surprise. No, I mean everyone that is not a Boy Scout.

I feel that the institution of marriage will be safe from the invasive, pervasive, insidious, homoerotically steamy threat of gay marriage or civil unions. I think that the looming threat of this gay agenda is exactly what is damaging families, stimulating the high divorce rate, and encouraging heterosexual adultery because some people believe this gay marriage will get approved and are taking advantage of this last hurrah. I feel safe the President, Congress, and even the Constitution will keep it from happening. Once that closet door is nailed shut, divorce rates will drop dramatically. It only makes sense.

I feel safer that we’ll soon be able to wall off the borders (at least for the brown skin border, if not those leftist liberals from the North, eh?) and that Haliburton will be awarded a no-bid contract to bus the 11.5 million Mexicans and people who look like Mexicans across the border. I wouldn’t trust any other company to do this with the same efficiency and effectiveness that has been demonstrated in Iraq.

Nothing has been mentioned yet, but as our titular stern yet loving Dad, Vice President Cheney, has probably figured out that the exodus of so many proto-Americans will result in a labor supply vacuum. Cheney has no doubt worked out a plan with Halliburton or one of its subsidiaries, to provide for transitional contract labor until such time in the future that real Americans can be trained to take over from the contractors. I wouldn’t expect it to be a quick transition. We’ve got lessons learned from Iraq you know. And while service and product costs may rise to offset contractor cost components, I’m sure we will no longer feel obligated to tip the carwash or bus boy. I count that as a win/win if you know what I mean.

I also feel safe that I can rely on the same source of energy for my car. Oil is going to last forever, and I don’t like the uncertainty of alternative energy sources. Really, can you see me buying a car that runs on wind? What are they thinking? I’m sure that President Cheney, oops, I mean the Vice President, has figured out some way to evict the evildoers off of our oil in the Persian Gulf.

That all being said, I ‘m more than a little upset that the Republicans who control all branches of government and the national media haven’t done much to address National Security (Well, outside of all the time they have spent on the National Security threats enumerated above). And I thought they were good at National Security (well except for acts of God for Christ’s sake, what do you expect?). Our President’s amazing ability to look into a world leader’s eyes and read his soul and his faith based foreign policy crusades should be yielding better results. I just don’t feel safe about what is happening in North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Israel, Lebanon, Syria. I’m patient, but for much as I have tried to noodle through these problems, I just don’t see how contracting with Halliburton could be the answer this time, and I don’t know what you do if you don’t let private enterprise do what it does best.

I’ll wait though, because I know our leaders are smarter than I am. I just hope that one morning I don’t read about our future on the front page of New York End Times.