Thursday, August 28, 2003
THINGS WILL BE QUIET THIS WEEKEND--HEADING TO NEW ORLEANS
I'm taking paper and pen to capture the charm of the city and record what I can. Have a great weekend everyone.
I'm taking paper and pen to capture the charm of the city and record what I can. Have a great weekend everyone.
ALABAMA’S BIG TEN COMMANDMENTS MOVED FROM THE COURTHOUSE
The sneaky little bastards snuk in quietly and moved the 2.6 tons of granite commandments to a less public place in the courthouse. I was holding out for the mustard seed group, those with the faith that could move mountains, to lend a helping faith hand. But symbolism was lost on this crowd.
I’m always amazed at the cognitive dissonance fundamentalists inform their souls with. Ostensibly, Judge Moore thought it most appropriate to display the Big Ten in front of God and everyone at Court because “the commandments are the foundation of our legal system of justice.” So much for those snitty little Greeks and that democracy thingie and then those wine-sotted Romans with their little legal structure. Lightweights!
The Ten Commandments Rule!
. . . maybe . . .
Pardon my question, Justice, but are you blind?
Here’s a synopsis of the Ten Commandments and according to my Lexis-Nexis match query on our legal system.
The God stuff
- only one god
- no graven images
- God’s name in vain
Well, we don’t have laws on the book for these. We even have God on our money, gravenly speaking. And lordy sakes, can we cuss up an ugly one with impunity.
The consumer stuff
- no coveting (right, like we’re not marketed to for coveting. A neighbor’s ass is looking mighty fine sometimes, but there’s no law agin’ it.)
- Sabbath day holy (right, like we’re not supposed to watch football on Sunday or drink beer. We leave it up to the Sabbath-Day Adventists to handle this for us.)
- Bearing false witness (right, like no one ever lies, “no, honey, those capri pants don’t make you look fat.”) At least we’ve got a little perjury action on the books to get some mileage out of one of the Ten Commandments.
Honoring Parents
The older we get, the more we realize how important they are to us. However, there’s no State of Arizona statute that compels me to call Mom every two days. She thinks there is, but there ain’t.
The big ones—murder and stealing
Judge Moore is right on this one. We’ve got laws on murder and stealing. Coincidentally, so does every other civilized society irrespective of Moses’ Big Ten. And methinks that if we didn’t have the Ten Commandments that we probably would have at some time or another in our history, hit on the idea that “murder bad (unless it’s the enemy who doesn’t agree with us) and stealing bad (unless it’s from people who can’t defend themselves). So I’m not totally convinced.
The last juicy one—Adultery
All the good laws to penalize adultery are fading away. Replaced by laws against incest, rape, child abuse—practices which were taken for granted in the good old days. So Judge Moore loses on this adultery one too.
Justice is Blind, but does he have to be stupid too?
The sneaky little bastards snuk in quietly and moved the 2.6 tons of granite commandments to a less public place in the courthouse. I was holding out for the mustard seed group, those with the faith that could move mountains, to lend a helping faith hand. But symbolism was lost on this crowd.
I’m always amazed at the cognitive dissonance fundamentalists inform their souls with. Ostensibly, Judge Moore thought it most appropriate to display the Big Ten in front of God and everyone at Court because “the commandments are the foundation of our legal system of justice.” So much for those snitty little Greeks and that democracy thingie and then those wine-sotted Romans with their little legal structure. Lightweights!
The Ten Commandments Rule!
. . . maybe . . .
Pardon my question, Justice, but are you blind?
Here’s a synopsis of the Ten Commandments and according to my Lexis-Nexis match query on our legal system.
The God stuff
- only one god
- no graven images
- God’s name in vain
Well, we don’t have laws on the book for these. We even have God on our money, gravenly speaking. And lordy sakes, can we cuss up an ugly one with impunity.
The consumer stuff
- no coveting (right, like we’re not marketed to for coveting. A neighbor’s ass is looking mighty fine sometimes, but there’s no law agin’ it.)
- Sabbath day holy (right, like we’re not supposed to watch football on Sunday or drink beer. We leave it up to the Sabbath-Day Adventists to handle this for us.)
- Bearing false witness (right, like no one ever lies, “no, honey, those capri pants don’t make you look fat.”) At least we’ve got a little perjury action on the books to get some mileage out of one of the Ten Commandments.
Honoring Parents
The older we get, the more we realize how important they are to us. However, there’s no State of Arizona statute that compels me to call Mom every two days. She thinks there is, but there ain’t.
The big ones—murder and stealing
Judge Moore is right on this one. We’ve got laws on murder and stealing. Coincidentally, so does every other civilized society irrespective of Moses’ Big Ten. And methinks that if we didn’t have the Ten Commandments that we probably would have at some time or another in our history, hit on the idea that “murder bad (unless it’s the enemy who doesn’t agree with us) and stealing bad (unless it’s from people who can’t defend themselves). So I’m not totally convinced.
The last juicy one—Adultery
All the good laws to penalize adultery are fading away. Replaced by laws against incest, rape, child abuse—practices which were taken for granted in the good old days. So Judge Moore loses on this adultery one too.
Justice is Blind, but does he have to be stupid too?
Monday, August 25, 2003
TOXIC FAITH SYNDROME
The Alabama Ayatollahs are still at the Courthouse. These guys have got their panties in a wad over two tons of rock. Of rock for Chrissakes! Lots of carrying on in the streets, and this is a big deal.
Unfortunately, from what little I remember from my Bible reading, Jesus took apart the Pharisees for making loud, public demonstrations of faith so everyone in the town could see how holy they were. Jesus, before the deluge of Paul and his gospel, pointed people inward, to silent, private, prayer. I just don’t get it with these guys. But the atmosphere permeates all, so if you question anything the fundamentalists say, it’s not a question of being wrong, but of being for sin. I think this poisons us all.
All of this 10 commandment brouhaha comes during another unfortunate toxic faith demonstration. This time a little boy is killed. In countless other examples, people of faith have taken innocent lives of dear ones for a perceived greater good. Today, an autistic boy was restrained and smothered as the church healing prayer group and mother smooged those evil spirits right out of that little boy, until there was no little boy left.
The Alabama Ayatollahs are still at the Courthouse. These guys have got their panties in a wad over two tons of rock. Of rock for Chrissakes! Lots of carrying on in the streets, and this is a big deal.
Unfortunately, from what little I remember from my Bible reading, Jesus took apart the Pharisees for making loud, public demonstrations of faith so everyone in the town could see how holy they were. Jesus, before the deluge of Paul and his gospel, pointed people inward, to silent, private, prayer. I just don’t get it with these guys. But the atmosphere permeates all, so if you question anything the fundamentalists say, it’s not a question of being wrong, but of being for sin. I think this poisons us all.
All of this 10 commandment brouhaha comes during another unfortunate toxic faith demonstration. This time a little boy is killed. In countless other examples, people of faith have taken innocent lives of dear ones for a perceived greater good. Today, an autistic boy was restrained and smothered as the church healing prayer group and mother smooged those evil spirits right out of that little boy, until there was no little boy left.
Saturday, August 23, 2003
MOSES AND THE TEN SUGGESTIONS for Alabama
Boy, judging by the fervor flying in a courthouse in Alabama, you’d think we were entering the End Times, or Pre-Tribulation period when God would visit those of us remaining and smite us with his vengeance, clearly upping the snap of the puny Shock and Awe campaign that Rumsfeld throttled out to win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.
I’m sure that some Alabaman Christian Ayatollhas have got their panties in a wad over all of this. The pagan lobby, for as much as they have good intentions and really fun protest planning parties, never seems to show up to protest the protestors as planned. (But I know that my 503c company tax deductible donation will be used soon to effect a change). The fundamentalists are always center stage.
I can’t help but remember one of Moses’ contemporaneous chroniclers of history as it was happening. He wrote, Moses came down from the mount lugging two large, etched, granite slabs. Moses was reported to have said “Hear, or hear, ye Israelites. I’ve got good news, and I got bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to TEN. The bad news—adultery is still one of the ten.”
Personally, I think all this religious fundamentalism, regardless of whose god is better, is a Hell of a way to get to Heaven. But the fundies are beside themselves since the Supreme Court caved into the “Let my People blow” gay agenda lobby instead of sticking by a strict interpretation of the Judeo-Christian Bible. So they don’t want to lose another one for the big Gipper.
Boy, judging by the fervor flying in a courthouse in Alabama, you’d think we were entering the End Times, or Pre-Tribulation period when God would visit those of us remaining and smite us with his vengeance, clearly upping the snap of the puny Shock and Awe campaign that Rumsfeld throttled out to win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.
I’m sure that some Alabaman Christian Ayatollhas have got their panties in a wad over all of this. The pagan lobby, for as much as they have good intentions and really fun protest planning parties, never seems to show up to protest the protestors as planned. (But I know that my 503c company tax deductible donation will be used soon to effect a change). The fundamentalists are always center stage.
I can’t help but remember one of Moses’ contemporaneous chroniclers of history as it was happening. He wrote, Moses came down from the mount lugging two large, etched, granite slabs. Moses was reported to have said “Hear, or hear, ye Israelites. I’ve got good news, and I got bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to TEN. The bad news—adultery is still one of the ten.”
Personally, I think all this religious fundamentalism, regardless of whose god is better, is a Hell of a way to get to Heaven. But the fundies are beside themselves since the Supreme Court caved into the “Let my People blow” gay agenda lobby instead of sticking by a strict interpretation of the Judeo-Christian Bible. So they don’t want to lose another one for the big Gipper.
YES, WE HAVE NO GAS
Well it’s been another week in Lake Gas-Be-Gone, Phoenix, Arizona, my hometown. The gas crisis in Arizona and then the little power problem back East someplace the week before made me feel a sense of the Iraquinizing of America, sort of the Clintonian “I feel your pain”. Imagine living without reliable power and having to put up with long lines at the gas pump. That’s downright un-American, and there’s probably no web surfing either.
The governor here in Arizona took a lot of hits on talk radio and in some of the respectable media for suggesting that all of us, including conservatives, should . . . well . . . conserve. The idea! Don’t we all deserve to get as much gas at $1.50 a gallon as our SUV saddle tanks would hold?
It’s a crisis like this that brings us all closer together as a community. Well, not actually as a community, but it brings us closer together in proximity of a gas pump—parked behind the Suburban lady who has to go into the store, prepay for gas, pump 2.6 gallons of gas, go back to store, get a Diet Coke (like THAT’s gonna work), get in the car, adjust the rear view mirror, get out of the car, pick up the receipt at the pump she forgot, get back in the car, fumble with the seat belt, and drive off to the applause of those of us in our little community of fuels in waiting.
Well it’s been another week in Lake Gas-Be-Gone, Phoenix, Arizona, my hometown. The gas crisis in Arizona and then the little power problem back East someplace the week before made me feel a sense of the Iraquinizing of America, sort of the Clintonian “I feel your pain”. Imagine living without reliable power and having to put up with long lines at the gas pump. That’s downright un-American, and there’s probably no web surfing either.
The governor here in Arizona took a lot of hits on talk radio and in some of the respectable media for suggesting that all of us, including conservatives, should . . . well . . . conserve. The idea! Don’t we all deserve to get as much gas at $1.50 a gallon as our SUV saddle tanks would hold?
It’s a crisis like this that brings us all closer together as a community. Well, not actually as a community, but it brings us closer together in proximity of a gas pump—parked behind the Suburban lady who has to go into the store, prepay for gas, pump 2.6 gallons of gas, go back to store, get a Diet Coke (like THAT’s gonna work), get in the car, adjust the rear view mirror, get out of the car, pick up the receipt at the pump she forgot, get back in the car, fumble with the seat belt, and drive off to the applause of those of us in our little community of fuels in waiting.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THESE GAY SHOWS?
Everywhere you turn there’s some new show with openly gay characters or theme. I’m quite enjoying the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” where 5 gay, richly nuanced men mend the ways of a hetero. I also like the “Boy Meets Boy” dating show where there’s a heightened sense of daring as there are a couple of hets passing as homos in the line-up. I like these, but there’s a downside. All the buzz about the gay world will spawn a host of more shows that will seek to capitalize on the concept, just not as well.
Here’s what I think we’ll see mid-season. You might have some other ideas I would like to hear also.
Queer Eye for the Bi-Curious Guy—after the makeover, we don’t know whose team he’s going to play for.
Who Wants to Be a Queer-llionaire?—game show where gay men and lesbians answer tough questions about fashion, dating etiquette, and breaking up strategies.
Boy Meets “Girl”—Boy must find out which drag queen he wants to go home with. BUT, the producers throw in one transsexual to heighten the tension.
Frasier, the Gay version—wait. Never mind
All The Right Choices—prominent religious leaders (Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Dr. James Dobson -Focus on the Family) and prominent politicians (Rick Santorum, Jesse Helms) who have proclaimed that homosexuality is a sin and a choice appear on this weekly show and tell the audience at what point in their life they made the right choice, in spite of how they were tempted to embrace the exciting and sinful gay lifestyle. A few of the guests will be sharing some of the men that they had the hots for BEFORE seeing the light and making the right choice. The Jesse Helms—J. Edgar segment is supposed to be particularly insightful.
Sonar Gaydar—a madcap look at what mischief Brie Peterson, a sonar tech in a nuclear submarine, gets into on an extended underwater cruise.
As you can see, there’s lots more coming. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface. Please let me know if you hear about any others in the chute.
Everywhere you turn there’s some new show with openly gay characters or theme. I’m quite enjoying the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” where 5 gay, richly nuanced men mend the ways of a hetero. I also like the “Boy Meets Boy” dating show where there’s a heightened sense of daring as there are a couple of hets passing as homos in the line-up. I like these, but there’s a downside. All the buzz about the gay world will spawn a host of more shows that will seek to capitalize on the concept, just not as well.
Here’s what I think we’ll see mid-season. You might have some other ideas I would like to hear also.
Queer Eye for the Bi-Curious Guy—after the makeover, we don’t know whose team he’s going to play for.
Who Wants to Be a Queer-llionaire?—game show where gay men and lesbians answer tough questions about fashion, dating etiquette, and breaking up strategies.
Boy Meets “Girl”—Boy must find out which drag queen he wants to go home with. BUT, the producers throw in one transsexual to heighten the tension.
Frasier, the Gay version—wait. Never mind
All The Right Choices—prominent religious leaders (Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Dr. James Dobson -Focus on the Family) and prominent politicians (Rick Santorum, Jesse Helms) who have proclaimed that homosexuality is a sin and a choice appear on this weekly show and tell the audience at what point in their life they made the right choice, in spite of how they were tempted to embrace the exciting and sinful gay lifestyle. A few of the guests will be sharing some of the men that they had the hots for BEFORE seeing the light and making the right choice. The Jesse Helms—J. Edgar segment is supposed to be particularly insightful.
Sonar Gaydar—a madcap look at what mischief Brie Peterson, a sonar tech in a nuclear submarine, gets into on an extended underwater cruise.
As you can see, there’s lots more coming. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface. Please let me know if you hear about any others in the chute.
Monday, August 11, 2003
I SADLY REPORT . . .
. . . that not enough of you came through for me to mount a serious challenge to the other governor wannabees for California. I just don’t get it. I speak with an American accent. I’m not an out-of-touch millionaire, and I’ve never done porn or sitcoms. Ok, fine!. So much for my dreams of a CAmelot. I feel like spending some time pouting in an undisclosed location timeshare, but some agency has bought up all the available slots.
COMING BACK TO CRIME IN PHOENIX
I was gone last week in Columbus, Ohio. More on that later, but while I was gone, I read about a big massage parlor bust.
Associated Press
”A monthlong crackdown on Scottsdale massage parlors has netted the arrest of 19 people on charges ranging from prostitution to poor record-keeping.”
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Prostitution is one thing, but for the love of God, “poor record-keeping”. Oh the humanity! What tipped off the SWAT team, too many guys named John with creaks and cramps that needed straightening out? Employees with working assets not on the books? Inflated figures?
I feel sorry for the guy that has to do hard time and trying to explain to his bunk buddy that he's in the slammer for losing count too many times on the Hot Lube packets.
After all the Enron issues, I would have expected the accounting to be more see-through, or transparent whatever, so that what you see is what you could get for 55 minutes.
All this for a simple business that advertises they’ll rub you the right way.
. . . that not enough of you came through for me to mount a serious challenge to the other governor wannabees for California. I just don’t get it. I speak with an American accent. I’m not an out-of-touch millionaire, and I’ve never done porn or sitcoms. Ok, fine!. So much for my dreams of a CAmelot. I feel like spending some time pouting in an undisclosed location timeshare, but some agency has bought up all the available slots.
COMING BACK TO CRIME IN PHOENIX
I was gone last week in Columbus, Ohio. More on that later, but while I was gone, I read about a big massage parlor bust.
Associated Press
”A monthlong crackdown on Scottsdale massage parlors has netted the arrest of 19 people on charges ranging from prostitution to poor record-keeping.”
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Prostitution is one thing, but for the love of God, “poor record-keeping”. Oh the humanity! What tipped off the SWAT team, too many guys named John with creaks and cramps that needed straightening out? Employees with working assets not on the books? Inflated figures?
I feel sorry for the guy that has to do hard time and trying to explain to his bunk buddy that he's in the slammer for losing count too many times on the Hot Lube packets.
After all the Enron issues, I would have expected the accounting to be more see-through, or transparent whatever, so that what you see is what you could get for 55 minutes.
All this for a simple business that advertises they’ll rub you the right way.
Saturday, August 09, 2003
HELP! I need your support NOW!
Today is the last day for submitting an application for California governor.
I withdrew the balance of my 401k after the last market dip to get the $3,500 needed for application. Now I just need 65 signatures (or email acknowledgements) of people who can attest to my qualifications for office in a, you know, a Gary Coleman sort of way.
Don’t worry that I’m not a resident of California. I can always commute on Southwest for important meetings or better yet just do teleconferences at home in the mornings like a I do today with my terry cloth robe, a cup of coffee, and my lucky bunny slippers.
Plus, by the time I take office, Arizona will be one hour ahead of California when the Daylight Savings Time changes. In fact, my campaign manager has already suggested “Vote for Lorin, a man ahead of your time half the year.” Better than my last campaign slogan of “You’re Scorin’ with Lorin” but then that was the 60s and another story.
Since Californians have elected an acting governor before and are considering Arnold, another actor wannabe governor, I figure that not only could I be an acting governor (reprising my highly acclaimed role as King of the Paris Sewer Men in “Madwoman of Chaillot”), but I could also act like I actually lived in California. If you’re a good actor, you can have your audience, or in this case constituency, suspend their disbeliefs about your competency, character, and culpability.
I know I can trust on your support.
From the bottom of my thespian heart--and by the way, you are a wonderful audience, and I was I could take you home with me--I sincerely thank you.
“CUT”
Today is the last day for submitting an application for California governor.
I withdrew the balance of my 401k after the last market dip to get the $3,500 needed for application. Now I just need 65 signatures (or email acknowledgements) of people who can attest to my qualifications for office in a, you know, a Gary Coleman sort of way.
Don’t worry that I’m not a resident of California. I can always commute on Southwest for important meetings or better yet just do teleconferences at home in the mornings like a I do today with my terry cloth robe, a cup of coffee, and my lucky bunny slippers.
Plus, by the time I take office, Arizona will be one hour ahead of California when the Daylight Savings Time changes. In fact, my campaign manager has already suggested “Vote for Lorin, a man ahead of your time half the year.” Better than my last campaign slogan of “You’re Scorin’ with Lorin” but then that was the 60s and another story.
Since Californians have elected an acting governor before and are considering Arnold, another actor wannabe governor, I figure that not only could I be an acting governor (reprising my highly acclaimed role as King of the Paris Sewer Men in “Madwoman of Chaillot”), but I could also act like I actually lived in California. If you’re a good actor, you can have your audience, or in this case constituency, suspend their disbeliefs about your competency, character, and culpability.
I know I can trust on your support.
From the bottom of my thespian heart--and by the way, you are a wonderful audience, and I was I could take you home with me--I sincerely thank you.
“CUT”
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Osama bin Forgotten
I finally navigated through my way to the White House feedback site with what I think is an idea no one has bubbled up to the president. Osama is hiding in an undisclosed location. Saddam is hiding in an undisclosed location. Who else do we know that periodically hides in an undisclosed location? Cheney! And anyone in the FBI's Witness Protection Program (WPP).
So I think it's a typical situation where FBI is not talking to Secret Service is not talking to CIA. Bush needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with these guys and get them to cooperate (and save the billions on Homeland Security). Put the teams in the same room and task them with pretending. "If Osama bin were Dick, where would you put it? If Sadam had squealed on some mob deal, where would you site a safe house and new identity?" These agencies do this for a living. Let's hear from them.
I'll let you know when I get a reply back from the White House. But I probably won't get a medal for just having a grasp of the obvious.
I finally navigated through my way to the White House feedback site with what I think is an idea no one has bubbled up to the president. Osama is hiding in an undisclosed location. Saddam is hiding in an undisclosed location. Who else do we know that periodically hides in an undisclosed location? Cheney! And anyone in the FBI's Witness Protection Program (WPP).
So I think it's a typical situation where FBI is not talking to Secret Service is not talking to CIA. Bush needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with these guys and get them to cooperate (and save the billions on Homeland Security). Put the teams in the same room and task them with pretending. "If Osama bin were Dick, where would you put it? If Sadam had squealed on some mob deal, where would you site a safe house and new identity?" These agencies do this for a living. Let's hear from them.
I'll let you know when I get a reply back from the White House. But I probably won't get a medal for just having a grasp of the obvious.
Friday, August 01, 2003
The Sanctity of Marriage
The poor gays are taking a master beating when you have Bush and the Pope, like the modern day Power Rangers, standing firm against gays. They both want to affirm the sanctity of man on woman marriage, otherwise, where would kids come from? Why stop at gay. Bush should be his global warming, take-no-prisoners agressive for this holy cause.
I George W. Bush do hereby sanctify holy marriage by asking Congress to enact legislation to
oppose gay marriage
annul any marriage that was directly related to a TV show (The Bachelor, Who Wants to Marry my Dad, Temptation Island)
make it a crime for an Elvis impersonator to ever marry a man and a woman
outlaw divorce (sanctity is not to be trifled with by 50% of the sanctimonious)
require newly marrieds to conceive within the first two years of the marriage or the marriage contract is terminated
make spousal abuse a crime (well, make it more of a crime, I guess, in a penal sort of way)
prohibit any marriage that involves a post menopausal woman (like who are they kidding?)
and, as Justin Scalia correctly articulated when he was apoplectic about the slippery slope of sodomy, enforce the laws against masturbation (seed is not to be spilt lightly, Genesis 38:8-10)
If Bush did this, and if he got the Pope to make a moving speech in Congress, no upright member of Congress could resist. Email me if you can think of other ways to sanctify the institution.
The poor gays are taking a master beating when you have Bush and the Pope, like the modern day Power Rangers, standing firm against gays. They both want to affirm the sanctity of man on woman marriage, otherwise, where would kids come from? Why stop at gay. Bush should be his global warming, take-no-prisoners agressive for this holy cause.
I George W. Bush do hereby sanctify holy marriage by asking Congress to enact legislation to
oppose gay marriage
annul any marriage that was directly related to a TV show (The Bachelor, Who Wants to Marry my Dad, Temptation Island)
make it a crime for an Elvis impersonator to ever marry a man and a woman
outlaw divorce (sanctity is not to be trifled with by 50% of the sanctimonious)
require newly marrieds to conceive within the first two years of the marriage or the marriage contract is terminated
make spousal abuse a crime (well, make it more of a crime, I guess, in a penal sort of way)
prohibit any marriage that involves a post menopausal woman (like who are they kidding?)
and, as Justin Scalia correctly articulated when he was apoplectic about the slippery slope of sodomy, enforce the laws against masturbation (seed is not to be spilt lightly, Genesis 38:8-10)
If Bush did this, and if he got the Pope to make a moving speech in Congress, no upright member of Congress could resist. Email me if you can think of other ways to sanctify the institution.
